|
|
>From:
>shrykuil@aol.com (Shrykuil)
>Newsgroups:
>alt.aol-sucks
>Subject:
>AOL IS SUPERIOR!!!!!!!!
>
>
>As president and on behalf of the AOL superiority Union,*cough* I didn't know the average group of AOL users were capable of forming anything more then a 3 on 3 cyber-gangbang.
>I'm here to wage war on enemies ISP's and other online services. And explain why AOL is Superior and why it will STRIVE, THRIVE and DOMINATE the online world.
Of course it will thrive and dominate. It is the Lowest Common Denominator of the online world. There will always be computer stupid people to pay more then the average ISP customer does to get ads in their e-mail, chat pits, slow service, and pedophiles in their kids only areas!
>FIRST OF ALL, WHY ALL YOU ISP USERS ARE RUNNING AROUND LIKE A BLIND MAN IN A DARK ROOM LOOKING FOR A BLACK CAT THAT ISN'T THERE IS BEYOND ME.
Why all us running like this? I no know this! I do wish I knew what the hell this person was talking about...
>IT MUST BE
>LIKE THAT SAYING, "MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE NO POWER CAN BRING THE MOUNTAINS LOW"What is like that saying? WHAT is that saying? ARRRGH!
>MANY PEOPLE ARE FOOLS. SO PLEASE, WE COOK OUR MEAT, EAT WITH UTENSILS, AND
>BRUSH OUR TEETH, CAN'T ALL YOU ISP USERS BE CIVILIZED AND SWITCH TO AOL LIKE A
>CIVILIZED PERSON WOULD?Like a civilized person?
---You are in room "Political Debate" ---
HunkyFuk392727 : N E 1 L00KIN 4 SUM CYBER>!!
ThumpinCat27263729 : WH0 LIKS SPICE GRRRLZ? HIT 49403!!!
User93920283729 : 49403!
HorseHumpr3921 : N E 14/F Here F0r CyBeR?
SupRsUkr3928917 : I am a lEEt A0L HaXoR I HaXorEd YuR HDD!!!!@111!!1!
WareZMonstr939 : Pleez D0nT HaXor My HSSD! Here iss My SS #1!!!!1!!>OK, WITHOUT FURTHUR ADO, LET ME STATE WHY AOL IS
>SUPERIOR.Why not explain why Hitler was right...Why Manson was a good guy...Why Muzak is REALLY COOL!?
>1. SUPERIOR CONVIENCE- FOR FREE YOU CAN GET AN AOL START-UP KIT CONTAINING THE FUTURISTIC REVOLUTIONARY, ON-LINE SERVICE KNOWN AS AMERICA ON LINE.
Yeah. For Free. In your Wal-Mart "Faded Price Tag" Jeans, In your Happy Meals, In your cereal, in your new computer, and, of course, in every single magazine on the face of the planet. Oh, and don't forget, with AOL 4.0 you get a SPELL CHECKER! Too bad it wont help with your AOL Caps Lock Syndrome.
>QUICK EASY, THE COMMERCAL SAYS IT ALL.
Ah yes...The Commercial...
<Scene One>
Dejected 13 year old boy sits at computer.
Kid: Netcom just isn't seedy enough! I need a place to get porn and Leet' Haxoring
Tools!
<Scene Two>
45 year old fat man sits at a desk.
Fatty: (typing) I am a 15 year old female... "Ah, People on IRC just arn't Stupid enough to believe me!"
<Scene Three>
Ignorant Looser stares at computer screen
Feeble : Duh...heee heee...Wher Kan I got a good "onlin-intrnet" survice?<<announcer>> Are you one of these people? For 14 million users JUST LIKE THESE THREE, AOL has become a safe haven great for people JUST LIKE YOU!
<<Kid signs onto AOL>> WOW! I didn't do anything today and I got 35 e-mails telling me to go to porn sites! Thanks AOL!
<<Fatty signs on>> WOW! These idiots think I am a 15 year old girl! And this Macros make one handed typing so easy! Thanks AOL!
<<Feeble Signs on>> WOW! I kan go to these here "NewsGroups" and ask questions! I'll send 45 "e-mails" to alt.aol-sucks to ask them about how to chat, i bet they'll help me!
<<Announcer>> America Online, the F.M.H.A. Housing of the Internet. Sign Up Today! ((We now accept Welfare Checks!))
>2. SUPERIOR CUSTOMER SERVICE- WHEN YOU CALL AOL YOU ALWAYS GET FRIENDLY QUICK AND COURTEOUS SERVICE FROM GENIUS'S WHO REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
BAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
<<Welcome to AOL Tech Support...current wait time is 3 hours...>>>IF YOU ASK ME THEY'RE ALL SMARTER THAN BILL GATES! STEVE CASE IS MY IDOL! I'VE NEVER BEEN ON HOLD FOR MORE THAN A HALF HOUR WHEN I'VE CALLED,
I have to admit, just a half hour of wait time for AOL Tech Support is very good...but when you compare it to Netcom's...
>AND THEY'VE NEVER NOT
>BEEN ABLE TO FIX A PROBLEM I'VE HAD(ACTUALLY I'VE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS)So your whole take on this is moot, because you have NEVER HAD TO CALL THEM! How did you get this 30 minute wait time if you have NEVER HAD TO CALL WITH A PROBLEM?
>3. SUPERIOR E-MAIL- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? CAN'T YOU SEE HOW SOPHISTICATED AND HI TECH THE MAIL SYSTEM IS?
Yes, the AOL mail system, with SPAM-IT-QUIK! Just open a account and within a day we will sell your name to 100s of spam artists!
>NETSCAPE AND IE MAIL COULDN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO IT!
Yeah, if they did it would explode.
>AND IT ALWAYS ARRIVES QUICK, AND IS SOOOOOOOOO EASY TO
>USE, I BET A 4 YEAR OLD COULD DO IT!4 year olds do use it....and much better then the average 30 year old.
>IT ALSO HAS MORE OPTIONS IN IT THEN I CAN
>LIST HERE,I bet there's more then 5!
>ANYTHING ELSE SUCKS COMPARED TO IT!
BAH!
>4. SUPERIOR INTERNET- AS THE START UP KIT SAYS, THE FASTEST, QUICKEST, INTERNET >CONNECTION,
14.4 Service Coming Soon!
>I BET IT'S FASTER EVEN THEN MEDIA-ONE! AND SUCH A SOPHISTICATED WEB BROWSER, IT'S JUST >INEXPLICABLY GOOD.
Yeah. MSIE...A great piece of Bloated, Crappy, Microsoft Code...It really compliments AOL overall "crappiness"
>5. SUPERIOR INSTANT COMMUNICATION- NOW THANKS TO AOL INSTANT MESSAGER YOU CAN ALL >SHARE IN THE SUPERIOR INSTANT COMMUNICATION OF AOL,
Yeah...ICQ doesn't sell your name you spam lists and it HAS NO ADS! How can it be better then AIM?
>BETTER THAN ICQ, OR IRC.
On IRC people told me to hit ALT + F4...It gave me a virus!
>Well, I've stated my case, and I know this note will cause the collapse of this
>newsgroup, as you've all seen the light now, and come flocking to AOL!Flocking to AOL holding pitchforks and flaming torches, I'm sure.
November 26, 1998 All original text is copyrighted by the author. All Inserted Text (You Know Who You Are) Is (C)1998 By Matt Jolley
Back To The Main Page.