Inane Ads
Jaded Rant Compliments of Matt Jolley
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Every day I am subjected to many commercials on TV.  From adult diapers to adult movies, it seems like everything has an ad.  Well, some ads defy the bounds of rational human thought and go WAY over the edge.  This my friends, is the topic of today's rant.  You are subjected to 35 seconds of some head trauma victim hitting a drum and screeching like a 5 year old in need of some more Ovoltene(sp?).  Then you find out the missing link can speak! "How easy is this?"  He asks, and then we're presented with the Inane ad seal of approval, the Gap Logo!  Oh let me tell you, that ad really makes me want to go out and buy some overpriced jeans that I can get for 25 dollars less at Sears!  How about those kooky baby Gap commercials?  A baby, sitting there, probably dropping a load in her huggies.  That's all you see for 35 seconds, and then "Baby Gap."  Yeah, you paid 50 dollars for this outfit, and in one month, I'll outgrow it! Hey, how about those "Kid Gap" commercials?  This latest head pounder features a throwback 70's look, with bowl cut rich boys walking around like pimps.  I keep expecting "Wacka-chicka-Wacka" to start playing, then the theme from Shaft.  I want to reach into my screen and strangle those prep school rejects with their overpriced jeans.  Of course, this is only the top layer of ads that make you want to kill.  There's those perfume commercials that I haven't seen much of lately, but you know them, half a minute of someone making out with a dog or, if you're lucky, another human.  Then the bottle of whatever they're hocking.  No speech at all, and nothing to do with the product, that is what these ads are all about!  The other class of inane ads are those that are just so annoying that you want to scream.  "SHE SAW HONEY DEEP INTO YO' CLOSET!"  Screams Jabba the Hutt's fatter daughter as this "Physic" tells someone on the phone that she knows he's been cheating.  It's basically an episode of Jerry Springer condensed into 1 minute without the fight.  This would ALMOST be bearable, but the Sci-Fi channel plays it at least 3 times every commercial break.  On all my Mystery Science Theater tapes, you'll find probably 25 of them per tape.  I would never believe something this stupid, I mean, if they know everything, they should be millionaires from winning every single lotto jackpot ever, right? Right?!  Then there's the ads that grate on your nerves like broken glass.  The Saturn ad where the kid just sits there horribly playing a Tuba.  This goes on for what seems like eons, and then a car pulls up, and someone says "It's about time."  For what have we suffered?  A 3 door coupe.  Uh... "Why hasn't anyone else thought of this?" says god, or whoever is doing the voice-over.  Why hasn't anyone thought of this?!  You dolt!  Nobody thought of this because it is STUPID!!!  You either have 4 doors or 2, it's your choice, but not a 3rd suicide door!  Give me a break, who actually buys this stuff? Really?  Until someone pipebombs the advertising agencies though, nothing will change.  Ooooh, here comes another "Retard Gap" commercial! Gotta fly!

April 6, 1999 All Text (You Know Who You Are) Is (C)1999 By Matt Jolley
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